Beautiful.

My dear friends,

I would first like to apologize for not writing for the last year, and also for the lack of communication via social media. I am not sure how many of you will read this since it has been so long since the last time I posted anything, but for those of you who were curious enough to click on this link: welcome, it is wonderful to see you again.
Now, my friends, I believe I owe you an explanation.
Over the past year many things have happened, and I am hoping I can bring you up to speed. There was the normal: graduating, finding a job, preparing to move out, saying goodbye to some friends, and hello to others, etc. Although, there were things that were wedged in between each of those; some that were good, yes, but others that tore a hole in my heart. I have seen the darkest side of those that I trusted, and in the end, taken some of their darkness with me. I fell for a guy who lied, and accepted him back a second time. I have seen the aftermath of a broken friend being surrounded by those that don't understand, and I have cried a thousand tears at the realization that I was numbered among them. I have sat and listened as one explained why life wasn't worth living, and held onto another as they crumbled to pieces in my arms. I have cried with others that couldn't give up drugs, bottle popping, porn and alcohol, and if you ask me what I learned from this last year, it would be:

Life. Is. Beautiful.

It is true my friend, this life that you are in, no matter how hard, broken or confusing that it might seem, it is the most beautiful creation in the entire universe. It is the most precious gift that we could be given, and in it we will be dealt with times that try us and test our faith, but we will also be dealt with times that reward us for our strength.
It is my hope and prayer that you will never forget the beautiful creation you are, and never stop grasping for that light in your life. Take care, and know that you are loved.

A Testimony Worth Sharing

While contemplating what I could write on this new years day, I have a tradition that I have carried out for the past few years. On the first day of each year as I am writing my first journal entry, I always end my time with looking back at the first entry of the previous year. What I found when I turned back tonight touched my heart, and while a journal is a very personal and sacred item, I wanted to share it with you.
Hope all is well.
Remember who you.

-Abby





January 1, 2014

Like I have written at the beginning of each year: man, that feels really weird to write. Anyway, a Happy New Year to you all out there (or to whomever is reading this)! Hope it will be a year to remember.
Today was wonderful. I didn't go anywhere, but today was the day that I finally got it.
Today was the day that I turned the last page in the Book of Mormon, got down on my knees and truly asked.
I asked if it is true, that these thing would be manifest unto me. I asked that if it is true that I might be able to gain a better testimony of it, that I might be able to go out there someday and teach it. 
After many minutes down on my knees I got an answer. I can't tell you how powerful the feeling was that came over me. It didn't come all at once, but kept building as I got to the end of my prayer. After closing my prayer I picked up my scriptures one last time, and after reading the verses in D&C 121: 7-10, I got the strange desire that I wanted to share it. All of it. Someday I want to go out there and tell people of what the Lord has given us. We are here right now, but in every way, we are not alone. We can be with our families forever. We can live in happiness, and all because of what one man suffered 2 thousand years ago.
Oh, the things I have taken for granite in my life, the people . . . Even the words of a book.
The events of today have also led my to finish all the requirements to receive my Honor Bee.
I am so very grateful for these things in my life. I know that I have been blessed beyond measure. 

-A 

A Friend Like Calvin

Oct. 3, 2014

"Technically it's actually the 4th, but oh well. It's almost 3am and I just got back from homecoming almost an hour ago. Oh. My. Gosh. Best. Date. Ever! I loved every minute of it and I honestly wouldn't trade this night for anything. Is it possible to die from an overdose of joy? I think it might be happening. Ha, going to homecoming with Calvin was one of the best choices I've made in a while. I was extremely impressed with the way he acted tonight.

I can't even explain how happy I am right now! I mean, it probably won't last for long, but hey, let me live my fantasy. :P"

-A

If you know me you know I don't normally say these things out loud. If you know me you know that I shrink back in my seat and bite my tongue when they ask me what I'm grateful for. For some reason, I can't get the words "I'm grateful for..." to come from my mouth. Maybe I can once in a while, but I don't like to voice it.

Now, don't get me wrong, I can't tell you how many times a day a count my blessings and list them off in my head until I could write a novel. I live in praise of those who perform those small acts of service and kindness, and I try with all my might to think of ways to thank them, and to pass on their example.

But.

Today is a rare exception to those days of biting my tongue, and I just wanted to take a minute and share with you my tender mercies from the past few months, and it starts with this journal entry.

I know he might never see this, and I know myself too well to know that I might never tell him this myself, but I can't tell you how grateful I am to have had such an amazing friend. Last year this guy was one of the only people that acknowledged my existence on my first day of school, and literally brightened every day after by smiling and calling out my name as he walked by. My gratitude goes out to him for always being someone I could count on, and for sticking up for me when he didn't have to. He was an example to me in many ways; he taught me how to think deeper and even taught me that it is all right to be wrong. He was there to listen and give comfort when I was a thousand miles away from home, and I honestly can't think of a better example of a true friend. Somehow he kept me moving through all the crap I've faced. I can't tell you how eternally grateful I am to have had him around for the past year and a half and what a privilege it has been to know him.  

But.

He taught me something even more important. 

He might not know this, but he also taught me that I can be happy without a guy. He taught me that true happiness should come from within, that if you're living your life because you make yourself happy, then you won't need to fear the days when there is no one else to give happiness to you. This lesson was a little harder to learn then the rest, and I can't say that I am done learning it, because I fear I might never be, but I want to learn it; I want to apply it to every aspect of my life! I want to become someone that isn't afraid to be who I really am, that can learn to see life in a different perspective, someone who can be an example! I want to find my true happiness and share it with anyone who is willing to receive it. 

To you young women out there, please, don't let yourself be consumed with the thought that you need a guy to bring you true happiness, that you need to have a crush on a guy, that you need his acceptance, his attention, his time, his anything. If you aren't happy with being by yourself alone, and having no praise from a boy or anyone else, then I promise you that you won't find true happiness anywhere else.  

So yes, I can't tell you how grateful I am to have a friend like Calvin, he has truly taught me a lot.

Fear

I have a fear. It's a large and terrible fear.

This past weekend I have spent the entire time with a close family member of mine in Salt Lake. She is a really sweet person, but I am worried for her. In the past few days I have been observing her, and all that I've seen her do is scroll through news feeds on her phone and snap at her husband to do things.
I don't know how to respond to it...
I have seen her act this way since the very beginning of their marriage, but it has never seemed out of place to me since I thought it was normal to act like this; on your phone, doing nothing. But then I saw it. I saw the pained look in her husbands eyes as he was ordered around and trampled over. I hate judging their family, but I couldn't help but feel hurt for them and the way they think is right to treat one another.
And this is my one fear in life: that some day I'm going to be in that person. That some day I am going to be the one yelling at my husband telling him what to do, and then not even noticing the pain on his face.
Ugh, it churns my stomach! I mean, how do people get to that point where all of a sudden they don't feel like they use to, that they think it's fine to raise your voice a little higher, to push a little harder?

I know I can't promise anything, but if I could it would be that I would never go there. That I would work my feelings out without the anger, without the contention. I would promise that I would listen, that I would care, that I would be the best that I could ever be...
I don't know if I can keep to a promise like that, but I want to. Oh, I want to with every ounce of my being, with all my heart, mind and spirit. And believe me when I tell you, as long as I am breathing, I will try.

A Moment of Gratitude

I want to start this out with an apology...

Life has become busy lately, and I feel bad for not finding enough time to write, so please forgive me.
I also want to apologize to anyone out there reading this that has talked to me in the past month. Lately things have gotten pretty hard and I suppose that I've beaten myself up a little too much... And by me doing so I have cause pain to others.
I can't even begin to say where all these feelings have come from or why they are here, but I don't want them anymore. I don't want to wake up and look in the mirror every morning and wonder why I still exist, or what my purpose truely is. I won't lie, I feel like I've lost the world this month. Friends move on, people stop listening, and then all of a sudden you're stuck with nothing.
So you know what, for the first time in weeks I have finally found something to be greatful for.

When I was about nine or ten years old  I was a dancer. I loved it with a passion! I had an instructor that told me that I was what what she was looking for, that she wanted to teach me everything she knew in hopes that someday I would go far.
Well, that dream need for everyone when I started havin knee problems. It started off small, but still limited the physical things I could do.  It was hard back then knowing that I couldn't follow my dream as far as I wanted, but I guess I got over it.
Many years have passed since then and it has been within the last month that it has given me the most grief. There have been nights where I have been up for hours doing everything I can think of to make it more comfortable, just to be able to go to sleep, and others where it doesn't bother me a bit.
But oh, I can't tell you how greatful I am for it. Maybe not so much the pain, but to still be able to do the things I do. Just last week I ran a 7 minute mile, and I can't tell you the emotion that came over me. I know it's not the best time, but I am still proud if it.

I know I haven't said it lately, or even thought it, but I am proud to be me. I am proud that I am, in many ways, a broken person. I am proud that even though life is hard, I am still here. I am proud that every morning I wake up and keep moving. I am proud that I am strong. I am proud that I breathe. I am proud that I live.

My friends, I love you, and I thank you for all you have done. Please stay strong out there.

"Is it real?!"

I was lying outside on some grass the other day, just enjoying the world. I listened to the breeze blow through the trees, the sound of children running up and down a hill next to me, and to the sound of quiet laughter in the distance. I was caught off guard as this little girl behind me asked her father about something he was holding.
"Is it real?!" she asked as her eyes lit up, and she grasped her father's hand to get a closer look. He just stared down at her with love in his eyes, but those three words played themselves over and over in my head. What has this world come to where everything that is brought before us has to be questioned? Constantly we have to ask ourselves if what we are seeing is real...
And this will never stop.
Our children, and our children's children will constantly have to question the world like this. Whether what they are looking at can really be trusted or not...
Ugh, doesn't it kill you? Think about it, we live in a fake world. All the material things around us are basically lies. They promise pleasure, happiness, joy, relief, escape... They promise you riches, they promise you security.
And here's the sad part: we fall for it. All of it.
In one way or another we have decided to become a part of this fake world of ours. We scroll through thousands upon thousands of web pages a day, reading, obtaining, sharing, agreeing and even arguing. We might not see it, but we have let the world take a hold of us, pulling us further away from where we have been planted. It sways us, pushes us...
You see it everywhere. And now we are here, left to question the most innocent of things, desperately reaching trying to find stable ground, but coming up with sand...

My friends, this world is not a world that will let you go easy. It will test you and try you, and in the end you will come to realize that it likes you better on the ground.
But keep your faith. This will be the hardest test you will ever have to face, but I know that you will make it.
I know it.

True Beauty

Life. Isn't it beautiful?

We have people all around us constantly telling us we "can't". We have people who criticize, people who mock, people who stab our backs, people who rip us down, make us feel, make us hard, make us weak, make us strong....
Isn't it beautiful?
Because of that, in the end we are molded into that special person. The one who everyone said couldn't do anything, but became the one that can do everything. Because of our trials, when faced not with anger, but love, can become a mighty strength.
Really, that is beautiful.
Yes, nature is absolutely breathtaking, but I feel the true beauty of this world is not in the woods, or halfway across the world; the true beauty is seeing the smile and courage of a broken person finally finding themselves.

Stay strong out there.