A Friend Like Calvin

Oct. 3, 2014

"Technically it's actually the 4th, but oh well. It's almost 3am and I just got back from homecoming almost an hour ago. Oh. My. Gosh. Best. Date. Ever! I loved every minute of it and I honestly wouldn't trade this night for anything. Is it possible to die from an overdose of joy? I think it might be happening. Ha, going to homecoming with Calvin was one of the best choices I've made in a while. I was extremely impressed with the way he acted tonight.

I can't even explain how happy I am right now! I mean, it probably won't last for long, but hey, let me live my fantasy. :P"

-A

If you know me you know I don't normally say these things out loud. If you know me you know that I shrink back in my seat and bite my tongue when they ask me what I'm grateful for. For some reason, I can't get the words "I'm grateful for..." to come from my mouth. Maybe I can once in a while, but I don't like to voice it.

Now, don't get me wrong, I can't tell you how many times a day a count my blessings and list them off in my head until I could write a novel. I live in praise of those who perform those small acts of service and kindness, and I try with all my might to think of ways to thank them, and to pass on their example.

But.

Today is a rare exception to those days of biting my tongue, and I just wanted to take a minute and share with you my tender mercies from the past few months, and it starts with this journal entry.

I know he might never see this, and I know myself too well to know that I might never tell him this myself, but I can't tell you how grateful I am to have had such an amazing friend. Last year this guy was one of the only people that acknowledged my existence on my first day of school, and literally brightened every day after by smiling and calling out my name as he walked by. My gratitude goes out to him for always being someone I could count on, and for sticking up for me when he didn't have to. He was an example to me in many ways; he taught me how to think deeper and even taught me that it is all right to be wrong. He was there to listen and give comfort when I was a thousand miles away from home, and I honestly can't think of a better example of a true friend. Somehow he kept me moving through all the crap I've faced. I can't tell you how eternally grateful I am to have had him around for the past year and a half and what a privilege it has been to know him.  

But.

He taught me something even more important. 

He might not know this, but he also taught me that I can be happy without a guy. He taught me that true happiness should come from within, that if you're living your life because you make yourself happy, then you won't need to fear the days when there is no one else to give happiness to you. This lesson was a little harder to learn then the rest, and I can't say that I am done learning it, because I fear I might never be, but I want to learn it; I want to apply it to every aspect of my life! I want to become someone that isn't afraid to be who I really am, that can learn to see life in a different perspective, someone who can be an example! I want to find my true happiness and share it with anyone who is willing to receive it. 

To you young women out there, please, don't let yourself be consumed with the thought that you need a guy to bring you true happiness, that you need to have a crush on a guy, that you need his acceptance, his attention, his time, his anything. If you aren't happy with being by yourself alone, and having no praise from a boy or anyone else, then I promise you that you won't find true happiness anywhere else.  

So yes, I can't tell you how grateful I am to have a friend like Calvin, he has truly taught me a lot.

Fear

I have a fear. It's a large and terrible fear.

This past weekend I have spent the entire time with a close family member of mine in Salt Lake. She is a really sweet person, but I am worried for her. In the past few days I have been observing her, and all that I've seen her do is scroll through news feeds on her phone and snap at her husband to do things.
I don't know how to respond to it...
I have seen her act this way since the very beginning of their marriage, but it has never seemed out of place to me since I thought it was normal to act like this; on your phone, doing nothing. But then I saw it. I saw the pained look in her husbands eyes as he was ordered around and trampled over. I hate judging their family, but I couldn't help but feel hurt for them and the way they think is right to treat one another.
And this is my one fear in life: that some day I'm going to be in that person. That some day I am going to be the one yelling at my husband telling him what to do, and then not even noticing the pain on his face.
Ugh, it churns my stomach! I mean, how do people get to that point where all of a sudden they don't feel like they use to, that they think it's fine to raise your voice a little higher, to push a little harder?

I know I can't promise anything, but if I could it would be that I would never go there. That I would work my feelings out without the anger, without the contention. I would promise that I would listen, that I would care, that I would be the best that I could ever be...
I don't know if I can keep to a promise like that, but I want to. Oh, I want to with every ounce of my being, with all my heart, mind and spirit. And believe me when I tell you, as long as I am breathing, I will try.

A Moment of Gratitude

I want to start this out with an apology...

Life has become busy lately, and I feel bad for not finding enough time to write, so please forgive me.
I also want to apologize to anyone out there reading this that has talked to me in the past month. Lately things have gotten pretty hard and I suppose that I've beaten myself up a little too much... And by me doing so I have cause pain to others.
I can't even begin to say where all these feelings have come from or why they are here, but I don't want them anymore. I don't want to wake up and look in the mirror every morning and wonder why I still exist, or what my purpose truely is. I won't lie, I feel like I've lost the world this month. Friends move on, people stop listening, and then all of a sudden you're stuck with nothing.
So you know what, for the first time in weeks I have finally found something to be greatful for.

When I was about nine or ten years old  I was a dancer. I loved it with a passion! I had an instructor that told me that I was what what she was looking for, that she wanted to teach me everything she knew in hopes that someday I would go far.
Well, that dream need for everyone when I started havin knee problems. It started off small, but still limited the physical things I could do.  It was hard back then knowing that I couldn't follow my dream as far as I wanted, but I guess I got over it.
Many years have passed since then and it has been within the last month that it has given me the most grief. There have been nights where I have been up for hours doing everything I can think of to make it more comfortable, just to be able to go to sleep, and others where it doesn't bother me a bit.
But oh, I can't tell you how greatful I am for it. Maybe not so much the pain, but to still be able to do the things I do. Just last week I ran a 7 minute mile, and I can't tell you the emotion that came over me. I know it's not the best time, but I am still proud if it.

I know I haven't said it lately, or even thought it, but I am proud to be me. I am proud that I am, in many ways, a broken person. I am proud that even though life is hard, I am still here. I am proud that every morning I wake up and keep moving. I am proud that I am strong. I am proud that I breathe. I am proud that I live.

My friends, I love you, and I thank you for all you have done. Please stay strong out there.

"Is it real?!"

I was lying outside on some grass the other day, just enjoying the world. I listened to the breeze blow through the trees, the sound of children running up and down a hill next to me, and to the sound of quiet laughter in the distance. I was caught off guard as this little girl behind me asked her father about something he was holding.
"Is it real?!" she asked as her eyes lit up, and she grasped her father's hand to get a closer look. He just stared down at her with love in his eyes, but those three words played themselves over and over in my head. What has this world come to where everything that is brought before us has to be questioned? Constantly we have to ask ourselves if what we are seeing is real...
And this will never stop.
Our children, and our children's children will constantly have to question the world like this. Whether what they are looking at can really be trusted or not...
Ugh, doesn't it kill you? Think about it, we live in a fake world. All the material things around us are basically lies. They promise pleasure, happiness, joy, relief, escape... They promise you riches, they promise you security.
And here's the sad part: we fall for it. All of it.
In one way or another we have decided to become a part of this fake world of ours. We scroll through thousands upon thousands of web pages a day, reading, obtaining, sharing, agreeing and even arguing. We might not see it, but we have let the world take a hold of us, pulling us further away from where we have been planted. It sways us, pushes us...
You see it everywhere. And now we are here, left to question the most innocent of things, desperately reaching trying to find stable ground, but coming up with sand...

My friends, this world is not a world that will let you go easy. It will test you and try you, and in the end you will come to realize that it likes you better on the ground.
But keep your faith. This will be the hardest test you will ever have to face, but I know that you will make it.
I know it.

True Beauty

Life. Isn't it beautiful?

We have people all around us constantly telling us we "can't". We have people who criticize, people who mock, people who stab our backs, people who rip us down, make us feel, make us hard, make us weak, make us strong....
Isn't it beautiful?
Because of that, in the end we are molded into that special person. The one who everyone said couldn't do anything, but became the one that can do everything. Because of our trials, when faced not with anger, but love, can become a mighty strength.
Really, that is beautiful.
Yes, nature is absolutely breathtaking, but I feel the true beauty of this world is not in the woods, or halfway across the world; the true beauty is seeing the smile and courage of a broken person finally finding themselves.

Stay strong out there.

Doors

When one door closes another one opens.


Often, when these certain doors are slammed on us (or so it feels like) we are just so shocked, that all we can do is stare at it. Stare at what could have been, what was.

Is that really the point of life, to stare at closed doors?

This is my problem. Out of all the things in life, what I find I struggle with the most is looking back, wishing that I could do it again, wishing that I could change a moment in my past so that I wouldn't have to be sitting here, writing this. Writing that I know I have a problem, that I know that I have tried everything to fix it, but no matter what, I can't move. Stuck in a frame of mind, waiting for everything to stop and go into reverse.
What is wrong with me?
Sure, I can be an intelligent person, but I feel absolutely dumb when it comes to the knowledge of letting go. I know there is a part of me that yearns to look for another door, a new light, a new beginning; but my mind screams at me, "Wait another minute! What if it opens again, and you're gone?? You've always wanted this!"

No, it will never open again. Maybe it has in the past, but what are you doing to yourself? There is a world out there, and all you want to do is sit around waiting for it to come crawling back to you. This is no way to live, to think.
That door; forget it. Years from now you'll be wishing that you had. You'll be wishing that you had gained enough courage to turn your back on it while you still could, that you could just turn around and see that you have more than you realize.
This is it, this is your chance. It's time to stop worshiping doors and opening your eyes.

It's time to live.

Can't - 't = Possible

"I can't"

Do you have any idea how much that phrase bugs me? Ugh, every time I hear it, it just makes me want slap the person who said it. Come on, people! You think that if you stick a "t" at the end of "can", all of a sudden you can get out of anything.
No. Just, no.
Forget about slapping you, heck, I want to slap the person who came up with this word! I mean, who says that you "can't" do it? I know for a fact that if you put your mind to something, anything is possible. It just bugs me to see you standing there, good health, brilliant mind, and you say that you aren't capable of something.
You can't do math, you can't read that word, you can't dance, you can't play that sport, you can't, you can't, you can't, you can't.
I'm am here to tell you that, I swear, the English language should be sued for coming up with these things. Really?? This isn't impossible. Nothing in this life is so far out of your reach that you can't grasp it. Nothing.
Have you ever really considered this? Truly, can your mind even wrap around what I am saying to you? I know this might be coming to you as a shock, but right now I am here to tell you that this is your life, and in the vocabulary of life, there is no "impossible". Just, "I'm Possible".

So please, will someone do me a favor and write a letter to our dear friend, Mr. Webster? Because I believe that the future of our world depends on these stupid words, and it is sad to think that we don't have the ability to see it. If we keep going down this road, bringing ourselves down, we will only end up with a nation of people who don't think for themselves, because they "can't".  You don't believe me? Look around, we are almost there. We train our kids to think like this, all because that's the way we have been taught ourselves.

"You want to back out? Fine, you're weak. You couldn't do it even if you tried. Go sit out. We don't need you. We don't have time for you. This isn't your game." 

No, this isn't the way we should live. This isn't the way we should teach. We are one of God's greatest creations, and there is nothing in this world that is out of our reach.


When they say the sky's the limit, remember, there are footprints on the moon.

Pass it on.

I Won by Losing

Today I faced one of the bitter sweet moment of my life. Sweet, because I was able to addresss my entire school while running for the position of Studen Body President. Bitter, because I lost.
Even though I didn't make it, I came to realize that this was one of the greatest blessings of my life. Before this, I never knew just how many people stood behind, who support me. All the sophomores, majority of freshmen, a few juniors, and a couple seniors... Things I never would have known if I never tried this.
What follows is the three minute speech that I memorized and addressed them with today at 9:45am, in our high school gym. At the end, I was surprised to see that not only was the crowd literally the loudest I've ever heard them, but there were also many giving me a standing ovation, something that I have never seen them do for anyone, before.
I didn't win the position, but to me, I won much more than that. :)



"Can I just start off by saying, that it has been an honor just being able to come up here and speak to you.
I honestly hope that you all know just how blessed you are to be a part of this school, of this community. Out of all the places that I have lived in my life, it is an honor to call this my home. 
I know that many of you don't entirely feel the same way, that you are basically counting

Poster with over 100 pictures of students.
Theme: "Caring for Your Future"

down to the day that you can book that flight out of here. Am I right?
And you know what, it's fine to have a desire to get out of here, to want to see the world; but some day what I want to see, when you're finally standing at those doors for the last time, cap and gown, I don't want you to look back and say, "Dang, Im glad to be out of here. "
No, when that day comes, I want you to be able to stand there and say that you would do it all over again in a heartbeat. I want to see you looking back at this next school year and be able to say, without a doubt, that it was the best years of your life. If not your life, then at least the best out of your high school career.
This next year, I want to help you prepare for your future, because I know that you can't do this alone, no one can.
I believe that this is not just a school, this is a team; your team, your family. 
And I believe that this team, can do anything.

Thank you."

Only Human

Have you ever questioned your actions?
Has there ever been a time where you have decided to do something so out of the ordinary, so far above you, that you start believing that it can't be done? It seems right at the time, but when you're alone the thought starts to creep in that maybe you aren't ready for this, that maybe you aren't smart enough, or that you aren't popular enough. This could change your entire life, but is that really what you want?
Right now you go throughout your day, hiding in the shadows, keeping a low profile. Those around you think that you have no voice, no thoughts. They trample you under their feet, keeping you low in rank; but you don't mind. You tell yourself enough, to the point where you actually believe it, that you don't mind. They have their spotlight. It was never meant to be yours, so why should you try?
Then it happens... You have an opportunity to do something with yourself besides converting oxygen into carbon.
What do you do?

Last night I had a dream. In it, I was faced with the same challenge that I have in my life right now. I remember standing in front of everyone that I have ever known and every single one of them were screaming at me that I can't do it. That I have failed before I have even begun. They looked down on me as usual, and I watched as they shoved me into the shadows and rode off with the victory that I fought so hard for. They made it clear that this is not my place, that I am not welcome here.
When I woke up from my dream, the passion I had for what am fighting for was replaced with the same fear from the night. All the 'what-if's' came into my mind and I started backing into my favorite place. Under a rock.
To tell you the truth, I'm still scared about what might happen, but I started thinking about it. I started thinking of who I'm doing this for, and why.
I don't know if I will walk away from this with success, but I do know one thing: Exactly one year ago I made a commitment to myself and those around me, that even if it's just one, I want to touch someone's life. It has taken a while to understand this, but I can't accomplish this when I'm under a rock, out of sight.

I'm not sure if this post even makes sense. Right now everything seems a little confusing...  But hey, thanks for listening, anyway. :)

Women of Strength

So let me ask you something; in this world, what makes up a strong woman?

There are so many women today that think that being "strong" means, in many ways, to be feared. They classify strong women as those who have the ripped bodies and gruff voices. The ones that look as if mountains would crumble before them. But here's the deal, while those women may be physically strong, are they really a strong woman?
When I think of a woman of strength, I don't picture those with the rippling muscles, but, rather, I see a kind, gentle woman filled with compassion and mercy. These women are so few and far between, they are considered, what I call, the diamonds in the ruff. So, why are they so rare?
In this generation it seems like more young girls are growing up trying to be more like the boys, like they are ashamed of their gender. They turn away from their kind and gentle ways in desperate attempts to be accepted. Why can't they see that they have such an amazing part to play here on earth? I don't care who they are, they are the chosen women of God, and they don't need to act as something else.

Back to our original question: what makes up a strong woman?
My answer?
It is not the measure of her strength, but of her love. The love for her God, herself, and those around her. When she finds that, all else follows.


"Favour is deceitful, and beauty is vain: but a woman that feareth the Lord, she shall be praised." -Proverbs 31:30

Who Am I?

When I was twelve years old I was faced with the question: who am I?

Who am I?

Who am I?

Who am I?

It's amazing how three little words can send your mind racing in a million directions. If you were anything like me, it could also leave you at loss of words. There I was, twelve years old, staring blankly at the woman asking me the question. How do you answer something like that? I know my name, and on a good day, I can even tell you when I was born. Isn't that who I am?
No, that might be a part of it, but it's not who I am. I am not categorized to be who I am by the color of my hair, or the size of my foot. It's not my height, nor is it where I live. You want to know who I am? Let me tell you.

I am Abby. I am the master of no talents but one, and that is being out of the ordinary. I have an obsession with putting peanut butter in my yogurt, or rather, what it looks like, putting yogurt in my peanut butter, and I literally squealed when I got a calculator for Christmas. I am the last to speak, and first to listen, and am a firm believer in the fact that I might never chose what my favorite color is. I am organized in a disorganized way (mind blowing, I know), and I usually go throughout my whole day feeling like I'm forgetting something. I hardly ever start a conversation in fear that I might bug someone, but once you get me talking, boy, I don't shut up. :P
But on top of it all, I am a Daughter of God.
To me, that part outweighs the rest, and I know that if I didn't have that little piece of knowledge, the rest wouldn't mean much.

This is who I am, and whatever the world might bring, I know that I will never have to face it alone.

Happy Tuesday.  :)

Dangers of a Mind

I had a painful experience yesterday. Yesterday was the day that reality finally hit me in the face- hard. Just a few hours ago I had a good friend of mine, who I had lost contact with over the past few months, show up to our youth activity. High.
I can't tell you how many times I have seen him in this state, yet every time it happens I still feel the pang of sadness. I have known him for almost two years, and as that isn't a long time for me, I can still say without a doubt that he shouldn't be like this. He shouldn't be walking around like the living dead, only finding joy in a drug. The past few months have been like watching a sunset; the darkness of the world pulling every bit of light from him, until he is just left with an empty shell. Doesn't he know? He could be so much more than what he's looking at in the mirror, yet, he continually wakes up each morning, combs his hair, and then walks out his door hand-in-hand with the devil.
No one forced him to be like this, and it didn't happen all at once. It just took one temptation, one choice, and before you know it it's not enough.
Will it ever be?
Will he find what he's looking for at the end of his journey, or will he regret every exit he let pass by? I can't dream of telling you the answer to that, but what I can tell you is that he has no idea of the worth of his soul. He has no idea of the pain that it will cause his family when they find out, or the pain he is causing to himself by doing this. He has no idea of how precious his life is, and how delicate his situation can become. He could be great, he could be one of the best! Yet, he holds himself back... Constantly putting himself in a place where he tells himself 'he can't', that 'he's not good enough'.
No, he's good enough. I've seen it, maybe for a second, but I've seen it. I know there is not one person in this would that 'isn't good enough'. Each one of us has the ability of being at the top of our game, the only thing that stops us is our mind. It holds us back, makes us feel weak when we are strong. It is our prison, and until we learn to overcome it, it will act as such.

We can be great, so why aren't we?

Valentine's Day for the Single :)

Well my friends, I was going to wait until after the 14th was over before I wrote anything, but i've gotten some late requests for a new post, so here it is. Bear with me.

Ah, Valentine's Day. The lovey-dubby, holding hands wherever you go, time of year. Everywhere you go there are hearts and flowers lining pathways, and big stuffed bears left on doorsteps...
Now, let me draw you a little picture of what this day looks like for the currently single:

You wake up, it's a Friday morning, and if you're lucky like me, you don't have school. The sun glistens through the window, dancing off the walls of your room. You hear a bird lightly chirping in the distance and you smile, reassuring yourself that today will be a good day. You spring out of bed ready to greet the world, but you stop. Horror strikes you as the calendar hanging on your wall stares back you, snickering in your face.
A scream builds in your throat and you hurriedly scramble to get back in bed. Pulling the covers tightly over your head you try to calm your breathing, not sure if you will survive through the next 12 hours. It's that time of year. That horrible, awful time of year. It's.... it's.... Valentine's Day.
The sheer thought of it sends a shiver up your spine. You peek out from under your covers at the world around you.
The light coming through your window, once looking so inviting to your tired eyes, now casts menacing shadows. The laptop sitting on your dresser stares back at you from across the room, it's black face giving an invisible grin. "Come, come see the joy the world is having!" It calls to you.
The fear wells up inside you bigger than it ever has, growing more with each device you turn to. The laptop, the phone, even the radio has betrayed you! This festering disease of... of... lovey-dubbyness is everywhere! The hearts, the candle, the giant stuffed bears and singing cards. The chocolates, candies and romantic movies....
The bright room turns grey, and here you decide: there will be no going anywhere today.


Well my friends, I hope you enjoyed that little snipe. Anyway, Happy February! :)

Mind to Paper: A Writer's World

This is a short paper I had to do for my English class. I thought I might as well share it. :)

Mind to Paper: A Writer's World

There's something magical about writing. There it is, right in front of you; your blank canvas waiting to be filled with words. It's amazing how, on most days, the words just flow from your brain and paint their way onto the empty space. They are ideas, thoughts, creations; they scratch the back of your mind for hours begging for release, begging for some way to become real. Like shadows, they fill every corner of your mind distracting all other thoughts with their taunting grip. You scratch and squirm as you wait for a moment to bring them their release. A pen, some paper- that's all that it takes. As soon as it's in your hand you are frantically scratching down every detail, picture, name and place that comes to mind. You work so fast that your hand is almost a blur to onlookers, and the ink from the pen coves the surface of the paper with your masterpiece. Emotions flow with every flick of your wrist, turn of your hand, and blink of an eye; they welcome you into their world like a hug from an old friend. It is here, in this world that you are creating, that heroes truly exist. They come with wings strapped to their backs and the wind beneath their feet. They come, they concur and when the day is over, they ride off into the sunset. Put to rest until the next chapter of the story is revealed.

At the end of the day when the pen is set aside next to the growing stack of papers, the mind still continues wondering through the world it has created. The night brings them to life, and in the morning you are back to the start.

Another blank canvas, and another world to build.



 

Live your Life Better than a Dream

Life. It's truly amazing.

When I was younger I had a dream that I would one day grow up and be a tall, blonde singer. The kind of girl that would make guys go weak in the knees, and would literally have a standing ovation when she walked in the room. My childhood dreams overruled my life as I constantly day dreamed of future looks and talents that I would have. Back then, I had big dreams for myself. Did any of it happen? No.
Glad to say, my hair color stayed the same throughout my life, (well, except for occasional dying... But I've stopped that) and I didn't turn out to be as tall as everyone thought I would be. Psh, I mean, who needs to be a 5'9' beach blonde, anyway? ;)
Looking back on my life, though, I wouldn't change a thing about it. So maybe I didn't accomplish all those dreams I had, but if I did, would it have made me happy? I look at all those famous people out there with their fancy car, and expensive clothes, and I can't help but pity them. They lead a life of criticism, lies; and for what? A little luxury?  Even looking at some of the girls in my high school. They're popular, extremely hot, cute personalities, flirtatious... Yet, not even they look happy. Walking down the halls I find myself feeling bad for that girl that has a new boyfriend every other day. She might have a perfect looking face, but behind her eyes is a pain that can't be described. Being surrounded by approving gazes, and being fawned over constantly hasn't brought her joy. She goes out every night, parties, but when she wakes up, she has to face that perfect image in the mirror. What she sees, though, isn't perfect. You can tell by the way she looks when no one is around, the way she holds herself like she is trying to keep all the pieces from falling apart. What seems to be a perfect life is really the cause of all the pain. Yet, she continues to make the same choices. Surrounding herself with the same people, letting go like she always does. All in hopes that someday it might all fill the void in her life.
I have to feel blessed for being the person I am. I may hold a low rank in school, but I don't need a thousand friends to feel loved. I don't need a thousand guys calling my name, or stares following my every move.
No, there are other ways to feel happiness. Just the simple things like, getting a phone call when you're sick. Sitting around and laughing until you cry. Just people that are there for you. That's all I could ever ask for.
So maybe my life didn't turn out to be my childhood dream, but in my opinion what I have is much better.

:)